A horse is a zorse of course

So a tiger killed some dude.

whitetiger3_lWhat makes it more interesting is that it was a white tiger. And what makes that interesting is they are pretty much the result of frenetic inbreeding of three original tigers: Mohan, Mohini Rewa and Sampson. And we all know what happens when three tigers with pretty sweet names are all forced to frentically mate. Brain mush. Or more commonly; crooked spine, shortened limbs, and crossed eyes.
In fact the last white tiger seen in the wild was in 1958 and guess what? It was shot. Dead. Goes to show tigers are smart enough not to want to bone their own cousins.
So I suppose the natural question will be raised – are the animals staging an uprising against their oppresive human captors because they don’t want to be forced to be totally incestuous any more? Is there a link between the rarity of an animal and its danger when in captivity?

ligerIf so, Napoleon Dynamite’s favourite animal would be a nasty mofo. I thought for a long time that a Ligerwas actually a mythological animal, like a minotaur or a centaur. Bred for its skills in magic. But its not. A liger is actually it is a 12ft tall, nasty bastard: the largest cat in the animal kingdom. It could swallow a human head in one bite. It could play the bongos with 100 gallon steel drums..and make it sound calypso.

But there are other even weirder blends out there which I (thankfully) never thought about. What happens when you breed a horse with a zebra? a Zorse of course. And its offspring? A Zony, idiot. What is a Wolfin? Yes it is a cross between a whale and a dolphin. Granted it is not a real whale but it goes to show the lengths humans are willing to go with breeding just so they can make up a funny name. But then again in the end, everything is cross bred with something. Even the humble strawberry that we know and love today is the result of the accidental 18th century mating of Fragaria virginiana from eastern North America, noted for its flavor, and Fragaria chiloensis from Chile, noted for its large size. The result? Large and tasty.
I tell you something which is neither of those things. A mixture between two of the ugliest, most offensive animals known to man. Camel and a Llama. A Cama. Created via artificial insemination by a breeder in Dubai attempting to create an animal with the size and strength of the camel, but the more cooperative temperament of the llama. Man we are fucked up…but perhaps we should be the most afraid of the lethal potential of the…TIGER SQUIRRELTiger-squirrel--9217



Thinking in Syllables

Haiku are helpful
To reach a resolution
Think in syllables…

Believe me I am
An all round entertainer
Watch too much office

Circle radius
Now stretching to the outskirts
Never can reach it

Two men stare at glass
The reflection is true
Neither can see you

Christmas shopping day
Blends into too many days
People shove at once

Had pizza last night
It tasted like pure beauty
Now I feel very squish…

Exercise suffered
Put on your own running shoes
Take a step outside

The Costner

kevin-costner-robin-hoodKevin Costner is a divisive character. I have always had much respect for the man, even more so after recently watching a Field of Dreams, Bodyguard back to back combo. What versatility, subtle masculinity, emotion. All things I often associate with myself. Which is probably why I like him so much. I see a lot of myself in Kevin Costner. I think when I was younger I kind of wanted to be him.
I like him so much I even didn’t think Waterworld was a particularly bad movie. I acutally quite enjoyed it. I think people just thought “A guy with gills” and switched off. Which is stupid because having gills would be super awesome. I am a particular fan of JFK, conspiracy theories aside just watching his summing up, I wanted to be an American citizen, just so I could shed a legitimate patriotic tear. Unfortunately all I could shed were illegitimate Kevin Costner loving tears. That bastard. He seems to have darted off the radar of recent, after he portrayed his second post-apocalyptic character. This one, however, didn’t have gills, he had a mail bag, mainly because he was a postman. The movie was called the Postman. Understandably it was pretty average. The lesson there is even if it is a super cool postman who kicks a lot of ass, in the end, it is still about a postman. But hey, stick Costner in anything and I will watch it. He has proven that he can turn his hand to almost any role, even though now he is pretty old and weird, and carry a movie. But I watched an interview with him on Parky a while back and he did come off pretty weird. Which is a shame. It’s also a shame that Daniel Day Louis is pretty weird also because I think he is pretty super awesome too. I think they should make a movie together, I think the combination would almost warrant a Waterworld 2. With double the budget. It would be like Bill the butcher vs Mariner the gill boy. Oh yea and he was the best ever Robin Hood.

Speaking to your friends’ parents makes you a better person

I know it’s nothing new but Facebook does really turn your brain to mush. I kind of nosy mush that is suddenly interested in things that would never previously even factor on the radar. But now it is all interesting. I wonder how that person is? Now I know… So and so…is, well any number of things. “contemplating “, “listening “, “facilitating”, “thinking of hilarious status updates”, etc.

I was always a bit sceptical when the phenonmenon started. Is this the breakdown of communication as we know it? No, no reassured a friend, it is simply the next revolution. Or an evolution of communication. Like the telephone before the cellphone or the brick through a window before the telephone. In some strange way I always lamented the advent of the cellphone. I thought part of the adolescent process was calling up a friend and having to talk to their parents. It made you not speak like an idiot. It made you want to seem at least somewhat articulate. Now that is bypassed and most of us spk lk we hv smthn wrng wth vwls. Which is a shame because there really is nothing wrong with them. So now facebook is here it is almost like we don’t even really need cellphones.

I saw an interesting post on someone’s page the other day. “Are you in the hostel, we are in the internet cafe.” I couldn’t really get my head around it, unless the person in question hasd wireless in his dorm, or an iPhone. Both of which are seldom nowadays. It is a shame also because sometimes the amount of time that goes into a really well crafted text message is something to behold. Just the right amount of exclamations and questions. And elipses… Now that is gone. Now we have to twitter our text messages, which I don’t really understand. The type of communication we use in facebook might not work in reality, but it virtually, does.


Trains, Boats, Billy Bob and Gay Porn

To my knowledge there has never been a sitcom about a magazine shoppe. There should be. I can’t think of any other situation where perverts and model train enthusiasts share such intimate space. The results will always be hilarious. But quite quiet because no one really talks in magazine shops. A magazine is a personal thing. What magazine you read defines who you are. Or more specifically defines who you think you should be.
I usually frequent my local on the days during the week I have off. Yes they do exist. What variety! What a spectrum of demographics the humble magazine shop appeals to.
On one shelf there is Navy News. On the next Asian Babes. So I got both.
There seems to be a magazine for everyone, everything. And thank God because I don’t know where I would get my naval asian babes fix without them.
But really the magazines I flick through make me sound like a loser. Firstly Rolling Stone. But I don’t understand any of it. Then Time magazine and Newsweek. To me they are pretty much the same. And this week they had the same cover story. Which was lame. Then I make my way over to the men’s section. I am confused about this because there are some magazines with dudes with their shirts off and then others with women with their shirts almost off. Then I realise, I am actually in the gay porn section. I buy one of each. The bastards keep them in plastic wrapping.
You can even get them to order in some magazines specially. But I couldn’t think of something else I would want. I had it all. Didn’t I?
What could people want? I couldn’t figure it out. Until I heard the counter lady call up and leave a message. “Hi there, just calling to say your issue of Model Trains Weekly is ready.” Weekly? God damn that’s a lot of trains. And I thought I needed a fix?
Then I had an image of the kind of person who would need a weekly fix of model trains. He looked kind of like a fatter, less cool version of Billy Bob Thornton…with a train cap. Then I thought, actually, that wouldn’t be so bad.
So I signed up.