The novella, which has caused the delay in another book Mr Karam is working on, is said to chronicle Mr Weatherston’s life from a losery nerd boy, who not only came top in his class but also peed himself on camping trips, to a whining murderer.
Mr Karam said there would likely be a chapter devoted to Mr Weatherston’s “rapid fire multiplication skills”. Mr Weatherston confides that the only reason that he ever got good at his times tables was “because of the babes”.
The working title of the chapter was to be “I’ve got skiiiiiilllls of multiplying, they make me no better at testifying”. But Mr Karam said “nothing was set down on paper yet”.
Perhaps the most heart-wrenching moment of the book looks at Mr Weatherston’s traumatic experience of having a playground accident at the age of six. But like any protagonist, he fought his way back from the relative obscurity of Kaikorai Valley to come top in his class even though he only came second in English. “but that was enough to be top overall,” Mr Weatherston dramatically recalls. Mr Karam said this would be an appropriate time for a slow clap.
Mr Weatherston also remembers a time when his glasses were knocked off which he did not like particularly “because I couldn’t see,” he said. Mr Weatherston’s optometrist says with the utmost relevance that Mr Weatherston could only see 6 metres in front of him.
These early years pointed to the fact that Mr Weatherston had a very complex phycological makeup which made him wet the bed and stab people. Albeit neither intentionally.
A source close to Mr Weatherston said the book, which has already been sold to TVNZ, was kind of like “Napolean Dynamite” but with less hilarity and more death. “I mean he looks kind of like Napolean, he talks kind of like him, he even comes from Kaikorai Valley,” the source, who may or may not have been hispanic, said.
TVNZ confirmed today that a film was in the making and it would echo the plot of hit MTV movie. “Napoleon Dynamite is a great film, it would be stupid not to capitalise on its success,” a spokesman for TVNZ said.
The book climaxes at the moment when, in real life, Mr Weatherston snapped and stabbed his partner 216 times. But instead the book offers a different hypothesis: what if he had acted, not like a total nutbar but like a person does when someone is being mean to them? “What we are saying imagine if he didn’t mutilate the name caller,” Mr Karam said. “But instead put the knife away, like a normal human being, walked out the door and had some quiet time.”
“Sure he still would be a losery crazy nerd boy but he wouldn’t be getting pack raped by the Mongrel Mob right about now,” Mr Karam duley added.
The epilogue, called “Guilty? What? Really? Nooo” is a retelling of the moment when the verdict was delivered. In the chapter Mr Weatherston betrays little emotion in the dock, “twitching his face somewhat” when the verdict comes down.
The guard who led him away discloses Mr Weatherston appeared to have peed his pants on the walk back the cells. “There was definitely a wet patch.”