Confessions of a Rambo whore

One of the most interesting things I have found, keeping this little journal thing, is the ways and means people discover it. It is certainly an interesting insight into the world-wide nature of the world wide web. Go figure. But I thought it was time to share with you a little secret. It appears I have tapped into some kind of nerd network. A network that almost exclusively deals in Rambo figurines. I can’t really explain it but maybe the stats will.

I started this thing in January. Since that time, the amount of times that the word “Rambo” has been searched with a positive outcome in reaching my blog is … 1,653. That’s pretty screwed up. The only time I mentioned rambo was in this little entry about the Napier Nut Bar Jan Moelelelenererr. But more than that it was this simple picture of a decked out Rambo that has got to date…1,689.

rambo-sideshow-22So at least there is some consolation in the fact that not only Rambo nerds are looking at Rambo figurines. But it got me thinking and after some investigations, I found the impossible was true. This little picture had been hi-jacked by french speaking World of Warcraft enthusiasts! And now they are my most enthusiastic audience.

Keeping this has also highlighted some of the dangerous aspects of the world wide web. Such as misinformation, although quietly hilarious misinformation. For example when I wrote this about David Bain being the mastermind behind swine flu it went up on a website dedicated to keeping the public informed of the spread of the deadly virus. That has since been taken down but it did not stop the Auckland Law School tweeting this on the same day. Which then went to this. So there you have it. I have influence on weird people.

Just for reference sake thought it would be of interest to you all to see some of the other really popular search engine terms:

“Eskimo” is doing pretty well with 820, “Zach Efron” is of course up there with 135 but then we descend a little further down the list into some of the more disturbing ones. “Kylie Minogue Locomotion”, is scarily doing well. “Fucked up animals”, well done.  And of course spin offs like: “llama squirrel”, “wedding crasher squirrel” and “fuck up tiger”. But my favourite will always be a foto finish between: “fotos de rambo” and today’s “life style of eskimos with pictures”. I just hope I gave them what they were looking for.


Kebab Man Blues

I went home with a kebab on Saturday night. That was after I got a penis drawn on my face. So all-in-all pretty positive. Except the kebab man tried to rip me off 50c (I think). It may have had something to do with the fact I had a penis drawn on my face. Why do people think they can continue to exploit the most vulnerable in society? He must have just thought, “Oh here is a guy with a dick on his face, he won’t even notice me stealing his 50c”. But the joke’s on him. I totally noticed. I even know what kind of kebab I got…ish. Chicken? Falafel? So I ended up pretty disgraceful but still at least I have the moral high ground on kebab man. After all he does shave meat for a living. You have to have a certain amount of sympathy for him. And admiration. In normal life one would usually believe it unthinkable to be attracted by the prospect of a giant tube of chicken meat (how do they even get it on there). But in this case giant chicken meat tube screams “delicious”. Granted, I ended up in such a state where I couldn’t even tell it if was delicious chicken meat but that is beside the very valid point I make. I say “ended up” because if you look at the before and after shots, there should be no discussion. Before:






and after:


At least in the last photo I don’t seem to be harbouring any grudge against the kebab man. I got my 50c. I got loose on the d-floor, threw down some moves. (ping-pong champ, walk the dog, bike pump, ghostbusters) yea, like all the big names. Pulled a hammy in the process but sacrifices sometimes need to be made. I even managed to pick up some saaaweeet adventure sandals. (They make adventuring casual). Most important of all I got lucky with a freshly shoven kebab. (And two toasties when I got home.)

Dumpster vibes

5600_1127818168615_1622010058_353920_5690273_nI fear my facial hair my have ventured from the realm of “sexy” into the realm of “homeless”.
I have never really had a philosophy on what to grow on my face. Ideally it should be non-invasive, environmentally friendly, kind to animals and sustainable. Oh and look damn sweeeet.

However, of recent all I do is rub it. And as we all know statistics show that the amount of times a person strokes their beard is directly proportional to how much they are into animal porn. I would be the first to say that I am an anomaly in this respect. I only watched it once, I was 15 and under a lot of peer pressure. It probably came from this guy.



This would not have been the first time I have felt homeless though. I have been accused of “sleeping rough” before. Queenstown ’04 springs to mind.qtown
Now life is different. I am meant to look respectable.

I had similar doubts last week about the hair on my face until someone with an Irish accent said it was sexy. That “It looks like you have lived”. That it “balances out your eyebrows”. All my doubts melted away. It helped that the person saying it wasn’t a guy. So I was all like “hells yea I’ve lived” I am totally deep and shit. I know my eyebrows a little on the heavy side but if they are all balanced there is no excuse for you not to talk to me. “Talk to me.”
So the hair on your face can say a lot about you. It just depends on what you want to say. I am more of the opinion that I want to say “hello I am sexy”, rather than “hello I am homeless”. But I am just not sure which of these I am saying right now. I could be giving off the ol’ “yea I am homeless but in a mysterious way”. Mysterious in the sense that I live in a dumpster. That’s hot.